


30 Days

by allthelarrythings



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 11:16:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1106176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthelarrythings/pseuds/allthelarrythings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis writes a diary for 30 days while Harry is gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	30 Days

_30 days_

Dear Diary,  
I know it seems weird, me writing in a diary at my age for a boy, but I need someone to talk to who will just listen and be there for me. There seems to be no one like that for me. My name is Louis Tomlinson and I have four sisters. I live with Harry Styles, big time singer. He is gone quite often because of his career, but it’s fine most of the time. Only 30 days until he comes home... Anyways… I just thought I would introduce myself.  
~lou

 

_29 days_

Dear Diary,  
I’ve finally learned how to cook! Harry normally is the cook so I have been trying to adjust. I almost set the house on fire last night, oops! But today I made myself a nice sandwich, and a hamburger. I know it doesn’t seem that hard, just a hamburger, but this time I cooked it all the way through without burning it and the stove, so I’m happy. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try baking, that should be fun.  
~lou

 

_28 days_

Dear Diary,  
I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually dating Harry and I love him. I don’t know if he knows that anymore… I haven’t said it in a while, maybe a month… He has been gone too long... Remember when I said it was ok? I lied. It isn’t ok at all. I miss him all the time. I miss running my hands through his thick brown curls, running my hands along his muscle chest, feeling his mouth on mine. I miss the way I feel when I see him, the way my hand fits perfectly in his, the way we cuddle, everything. And it is getting harder and harder.  
~lou

 

_27 days_

Dear Diary,  
I try to call him every night, but the phone never rings and he never answers. I can’t tell him I love him. He has been gone too long.. He has been gone four months already. Every night I sit in bed, in his spot, and cry. I let my tears fall over his pillow. Then every morning I wash the sheets again, washing away the tears I let fall, erasing the memory. But just because you wash something away doesn’t mean it was never there.  
~lou

 

_26 days_

Dear Diary,  
I write and then I reread what I have written, understanding that every single word crafted onto this paper was from the heart, was from me. I’ve noticed how pitiful I am. Harry will be back in 56 days’ time, he has only been gone for four months and four days. I can function without him, can’t I?  
~lou

 

_25 days_

Dear Diary,  
Counting the days has been helping... I finally tried baking today. No flames were present, only smoke filled the air, and the cookies were fine…if you like them burned on the outside and doughy in the middle. How does that even happen? If you put the same amount of cookies in for a shorter amount of time at a higher temperature it should work the same at a normal speed with normal temperature. I will have to eat store bought cookies, less hassle anyways. But I wish he was here with me, showing me exactly what to do, holdting my hand along the way.  
~lou

 

_20 days_

Dear Diary,  
After a while, fake smiles turn to real ones. You need to continue to fake it until you make it otherwise you might never make it. Drag yourself out of the hole you are in. You may slip, but don’t fall if you know you won’t be able to climb back up.  
~lou

 

_17 days_

Dear Diary,  
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep lying to the only thing keeping me up. Harry has been gone 4 months 23 days….I am not counting down until the days he comes back.. I'm counting down…to his funeral… There is no point in pretending anymore. The tears will never stop coming, never. The empty feeling left inside of me will never leave, never. Harry will never come back. All I have left are memories, fading away, slipping from my grasp. The feeling of his warm body against mine has gone cold forever. His curls will never touch my hands again. I will never be able to kiss his lips, or feel him perfectly next to me. Along with him everything has gone.  
~lou

 

_16 days_

Dear Diary,  
I can’t function without him. I find myself sitting on the couch, wearing his t-shirt, staring off into space when I don’t even remember moving to the couch. Or maybe I slept there? I don’t know anymore. I can barely move my hand to write this anymore. I can’t talk to anyone. I found a note on the counter this morning saying “I’ll come back soon, just needed to grab a few things—Mom” but I didn’t even know she was here.  
~lou

 

_12 days_

Dear Diary,  
I don’t remember the last time I wrote, I don’t remember writing the note at all. I need to snap out of this trance I am stuck in. I couldn’t have stopped what happened, but I need to stop the never-ending streams of tears. The accident wasn’t my fault at all. I wasn’t even there, _I wasn’t there._  
~lou

 

_11 days_

Dear Diary,  
There are so many flowers, pink, white, yellow, red, black, everywhere. They are stuffed together on every end table, every counter, every windowsill. Flowers should be for happy events, like weddings and birthdays. Why does everyone send flowers for a death? Are they happy about this? Are they happy Harry is gone forever? Did they want this? Do they want me to be happy and ok with everything? I AM  _NEVER_  GOING TO BE OKAY. WHY CAN’T THEY UNDERSTAND?  
\--LOU

 

_10 days_

Dear Diary,  
I am sorry, I’m sorry I am angry. I am sorry about everything. I am sorry my tears fill these pages, making them wrinkle. I am sorry I yell at everyone when they talk to me. I am sorry I do nothing all day. I am sorry I wasn’t there for Harry. I am sorry I am nothing but a pitiful human being. I’m sorry I have no purpose in life. I am sorry.  
~lou

 

_9 days_

Dear Diary,  
I found my razors. Mum told me never to use them, to throw them out the window. But…is this what Harry felt? Something piercing his skin, blood spilling over his skin? When he was close to death, is this how he felt? Or was it faster, less painful? I might know if I had been there with him. Hell, he might even be alive if I had just been there.  
~lou

 

_8 days_

Dear Diary,  
My mum found this book I keep writing in. She was tiding up my room for me, and it was on my nightstand. I don’t know why she would even think to open it, let alone read it, but she did. I saw her, and she just stood up from the bed and hugged me. She stood there holding me. I felt a tear drop from her cheek to my shoulder, but I probably shed some tears as well. I can’t decipher the difference between crying and not crying anymore.  
~lou

 

_7 days_

Dear Diary,  
I wish people would stop coming to my home, why must they stay. My mum and his mum staying is fine, and my sisters coming a lot is lovely, but the others. I want them to leave me alone. We all know I’m broken forever, so why can’t they leave me to die inside? Unless they have something real to do that might help, go away. Flowers don’t help, I know you are “sorry for my loss,” but you have no idea. You have no idea what Harry was to me. You have no idea the pain I am in. You will never know. Your soul mate could die and you still wouldn’t know. Harry and I… we were more than anything you could imagine.  
~lou

 

_6 days_

Dear Diary,  
Less than a week. Then I can be alone. Alone in my empty house, on my empty couch, in my empty bed.  
~lou

 

_4 days_

Dear Diary,  
I escaped from my trance, but I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had never gotten out of bed the first morning I knew. I wish I had fallen into a deep sleep and never woken up. I wish I could feel him one last time. I wish I could have him hold me once more, one more time is all I need; one last meal, one last hug, one last kiss, one last look.  
~lou

 

_3 days_

Dear Diary,  
I know my mum has read at least part of this book, but I wish Harry could read it. I wish from heaven he could see me, understand how much I loved him. I told him I loved him, “I love you, Haz,” but that doesn’t even begin to describe how much I loved him. The indefinite love I have for him will never break, ever. I will take it up into heaven with me.   
~lou

 

_1 day_

Dear Diary,  
Tomorrow is the funeral and there are more people than ever. The flowers everyone is sending me are dying; we can’t water them fast enough! I haven’t been part of any of the planning, despite my mother’s protests. The only thing I said was there could be no flowers, but I don’t think she listened. I don’t know how I will react if I see flowers at the church.  
I don’t want to go. It is the last goodbye. It is the final goodbye. After this there will be no more fantasies of him being with me. After this, I will know he is gone forever. I will never be able to hold his hand, feel his curls, feel his strong embrace around me, or feel his lips on mine. Final goodbye.  
~lou

 

_0 days_

_Dear Diary,_

_I came home and I know what I have to do. I can’t take this anymore. Everyone I know has someone to hold onto, except me. I’m flying in the wind, being beaten with rain and sleet, with nothing to hold onto. It has to end, and there is only one way._  
 _I love my family. I love my mum, my sisters, my dad. I love Harry’s family, his mum especially. I love my mates. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t love them, because I do. I know everyone was trying to help with the flowers, I know they don’t understand what I'm going through, so they can’t possibly understand why I am about to do this._  
 _My life is empty. I am a hollow shell walking around with no purpose. All I do is sit and cry. I don’t talk to anyone anymore._  
 _I love Harry too much, some may say too much. But it wasn’t too much. It was perfect love, the kind of love only few will find. Those who find that love will know why I am doing this, they will understand._

_They say in heaven we will finally understand the wonders of God, the wonders of the world. Perhaps in heaven Harry will know the extent of my love for him, and when others join us they will understand as well. Everyone else just needs to know that i do love them, and I will always love them. I thank everyone for what they did in my life._

_Goodbye._

 


End file.
